Trigger warning: topics of sexual abuse and trauma are being addressed. Proceed with this in mind.

This is a rather heavy beginning to the blog. Hopefully, we will cover lighter things moving forward. But this topic, though heavy, strikes at the heart of why I do what I do.

For years, something felt very off about the way I felt. I was painfully shy, retreated into myself and felt a lot of terror at the unknown. It was only years into adulthood, that the realisation arose. It was something I had tried to push aside. But the disquiet grew louder until I could address it. My initial reaction was confusion and shock. I could not process it.

Yet I was reading articles about symptoms in children that were being abused and a lot of it explained my mysterious sufferings. I was in inexplicable pain. I felt betrayed by my parents who had failed to detect this and failed to protect me. I had felt betrayal because of the family friend that was the perpetrator for years and years. I remembered the family friend’s niceness towards me and this jarring realization didn’t quite compute.

I sat with my feelings for a while. Since that fateful day, I have had so much dialogue with myself, spending time with myself and reading books, calling back my power in meditation.

What has helped me the most is opening myself up to the love of the goddess. In any form of hers, I am a fan of the Divine Mother. When I had no one, I still had her. And this has made all the difference. Whether it be a book on Mary Magdalene or yoga to release stored trauma, I have moved through these actions because of her. Sure, I can recommend a list of things to do: yoga, self care, body work, journaling, expressing myself through art… but at the core of these actions is my devotion to the goddess.

Verily, what has moved me through my deepest moments of stuckness is the understanding that I must pass along her gift by playing whatever role I need to play in life. And when I tipped dangerously close to martyrdom, she helped me understand ease and pleasure. It’s very hard for a person that has suffered from trauma to even know what their true needs are or know what their personality looks like outside of the freeze response. It may take more than one blog post to succinctly describe this journey.

However, the key is the goddess. She who relieves your pain and comforts you in crisis. She who is always connected to you in every moment. The thing that helped me the most in my life is to find the pulse or the red thread of fate that connects me to My Divine Mother. I am just a kite in her hand, and the wind takes me where I need to go but she’s got me. The more I learned to trust the impulses she instilled in me, the more I came to rely on and feel at home in my physical body. When I began to see myself as a reflection of her, and not just a human being who could be lusted after and conquered (this is what had scarred me growing up), I began to enjoy life.

Trust in the Goddess’ presence and in her plan. I intend for these words to provoke your inner intelligence as that will be more fortuitous for you to follow than just sermons from me. Ask for dreams and signs from the Goddess. Then… follow them 😉